Self Check

It was there at the self check stand where I got a reality check. Milk - beep, cereal - beep, onion - 4663, no bag - beep, wine - wait for it, wait for it, ID ready for eager self checkout monitor.....”please place item in bagging area”. Huh? No ID check needed? How nice that it was cleared or the machine is broken. That was convenient. I don’t get carded all the time. No worries. But as I passed with my goodies in hand, there it was...the thing I hate most off all. The most offensive thing a young gal can hear - “ma’am.” Even when snuck between a “thank you” and a “have a nice day” Ma’am carries a certain sting that stops me in my tracks. Surely they cannot be addressing me?! I rear my head around desperately searching for the blue hair with a giant handbag behind me. Nope, I just got “ma’am’d.” 

I aint no ma’am. Call me a bitch, a slut, an idiot, a cunt, a homewrecking whorebag, anything but ma’am! Ma’am is the worst. But then, I started to think about it. Maybe I am a “ma’am.” Lately I find myself wearing slippers, drinking tea and reading the Bible --usually all the same time. It's a weird trifecta of "lame" but I actually enjoy myself. Does this mean I am officially old? Did I mention this takes place in a recliner?? It freaks me out so I have since moved my reading to standing up at my bar - seems more exciting that way. Will I lean? Will I rest one hand on the counter? A double elbow dip? Will the pages stay open without a hand? This is pure excitement folks. Sometimes I throw in some calf raises. Whoa. 

Now I realize that age tends to be a recurring topic here, but I assure you the number has nothing to do with it. It’s all attitude and perception. The good news is as long as I can remember older males have always loved me. I’m talking dad’s, coaches, neighbors, strangers - they all love me. Not in a gross inappropriate way, just in an easy to talk to, respectable, mature kind of way. Maybe I am an old soul. More mature males seem to appreciate my kind, responsible, trustworthy nature. Or maybe I just look old and tired and they feel bad for me?!! 

Example: last week I mentioned that my friend wanted me to get to know her 29 yr old brother. Could this check off Resolution Emotional Goal: physical contact with eligible male?? Maybe!..... eventually, if not Saturday night??? Well, that was the mind set anyway. I did my part. No pony tail, no burping, no silent observation...and I didn’t even mind. So it’s good to know that I have it in me. I feel good about my efforts. 

Result: nothing. Was there any interest from my prospect or any other 30 something guy in the place? No. Did his 50 something dad kiss me on the cheek 3 times? Yes. Old guys love me. 

I can only hope that my real age is catching up with the age of the males who have historically taken to me. I am bridging that gap. Being “lame” aka adult could turn into my best dating asset. Let’s just hope it’s +/- 5 yrs. Sugar daddies need not apply. Check yourself, this ma’am is only 30. 

Miss Direction

At some point or another I think we all feel a little lost. Alive, but not living; working but not productive; moving, but not forward- stuck on the preverbal treadmill of life.  We make strides in the right direction, but the world just seems to keep moving by without us. That completely embodies how I have felt for a long time. Turning 30 was like someone cranked up that treadmill to 10, incline 5 and my shoe was untied...it was only a matter of time before that thing would spit me off the back into an awkward ball of failure and embarrassment. You know we have all seen it in the gym and in life. Truth is, the only way to save your ass is not to keep stumbling through life on a predictable path to nowhere, but to take a step off and move forward. I think I am finally in the right headspace to hop off that rotating belt of recurring nonsense. 

The lack of purpose, the unused abilities, the waste of precious time, the overwhelming feeling that I have the power and the strength to do great things, but no clue what they are has been killing me. I thought I would have it figured out by 30 years old. I feel disappointed. I feel frustrated. I feel jealous. I feel like surely I missed my sign. But this week I read something that made me feel comfort. Jesus, the son of God (yes that Jesus) was not called for his earthly ministry until he was 30 years old. Now, regardless of what any one believes, I think we can all agree that he was a pretty influential guy, if not the most influential. We set our calendar based on his life - he was a pretty big deal Messiah or not. The world's timetable pivots around his existence and he didn't really get going until he was 30. I find it very humbling that greatness, happiness, love, purpose- LIFE can come to actualization at any stage in the game. You just have to be wiling to experience it; all of it, the good and the bad. Life isn’t supposed to be easy, but I believe the right steps can make it easier.

You may burn a lot of calories on that treadmill and interesting people may come and go, but to really get anywhere and join in the fun you gotta step off the predictable comfort you know and take a chance on life. Pick a direction and start moving. If you stray too far someone will reel you in and guide you, but if you sit silently in mundane safety I believe you will go unnoticed. 

So, I am not aiming to get my own chronology of time..... though BC, AD, LC has a nice flow to it.... but I am ready to move forward. Wrong direction or not taking steps is what it’s all about, not feeling like crap and doing nothing because you don’t know which way to go. You can’t steer a parked car.  How can I have faith that I will find my path if I am not willing to venture out and look for it? 

Resolution update - overlapping steps: 

1. Mental - I have been doing projects around the house that require my brain, meeting with a small group to discuss reading material, and playing trivia games (that counts). Also committed to finding a new job that fits my skill and abilities...not just one that I can do but hate. This is a BIG step away from doing something just because it’s easy. 

2. Spiritual - 5% of The Good Book read. 

3. Physical - While I am still not comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, I have worked out 26 days of 2013 and the work outs are getting easier. That is really what it is all about right?-EASIER. Life without heart disease or diabetes is easier. Shopping for clothes without fat rolls would be easier. Getting dressed without adding an extra layer to hide behind in 80 degrees would be easier. Bathing suit tops without flashing would be easier. Pounds will come off, just got to keep it up. I am happy with easier for now. 

4. Emotional: ___________________ (physical contact with an eligible male) Nothing yet. Hoping when it’s easier to put ON skinny jeans it will also be easy for someone to take them OFF ;-) .....just running with the metaphor (or am I???) 

Tools for 2013

For those of you who dont know, this is my church. Perhaps this can help with Spiritual and Physical goals for 2013. Even Tony, from P90X Kenpo leads a work out every saturday morning. I suppose all the tools are right in front of me.

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The Ultimate Accessory - A Man

It is actually pretty interesting that I have not ventured into online dating. I love the Internet. I buy everything on the Internet. I even buy toilet paper online...seriously it's easier than hauling 5 loads up crap up from the parking garage alone. Let's face it- the internet is amazing. You can literally type in anything there will be an infinite supply of facts, nonsense and inappropriate content to sift through. Even if you F up, google will punk you with a "did you mean?" - it's all there. So is that where I can find companionship? Would my soul mate be hidden on page 37 of Google search results? Maybe, maybe not. Either way I have always had a personal "search list" of requirements and deal breakers. 

I don't think it's too much to ask for, but what do I know? Maybe I am in a dreamland. Clearly things have not worked out in my favor thus far. Just the other day I made 12 eyes roll and got a good reality check when expressing my "man standards." However, if you search for something online today and can't find it that doesn't mean it won't exist tomorrow. 

So here it is, like shopping for the prefect bag or pair of shoes there is some wiggle room, some absolute requirements, some deal breakers and the possibility that a sale will come along and throw it all out the window. 

Assumptions: 27-37 yrs old, 5'6"-6'6", 160-260 lbs, all limbs, all senses, lives in 50 mile radius

Breakers: No facial hair, no smoking, no drugs, no criminal record, no extreme mental illness, no reptile pets, no hoarding, know Jesus. 

Negotiable [dependent on other required criteria]: no ex-wife, no kids

Criteria:  

• Someone to make me laugh and get my jokes. 
• Someone who values my opinion. 
• Someone who loves their family even though they may drive them crazy. 
• Someone to make me stop everything I am doing to come see some spectacular sight because for just that moment it is perfect and looks amazing.
• Someone who is honest even when it's easier to lie
• Someone who does the right thing even when no one is looking. 
• Someone who pushes me to new adventures
• Someone who sings in the shower and dances in the kitchen. 
• Someone who makes me a better person.
• Someone who is smarter than me
• Someone who is passionate about something

That is it. These are the things that will look great next to me. The things that will compliment who I am and who I hope to grow into. The things that will bring out my features and make me feel great. Nothing too trendy, nothing that will fade overtime. A wardrobe piece that will last years and go with any mood. Too much to ask for? You tell me. Even the best outfit isn't complete without the perfect accessory. It can still be great, but sometimes the right addition makes all the difference. 

 

Resolutions

A few weeks ago I was feeling down in the dumps, completely stressed and outright awful. Leslie quality number one = honesty, so when my mom casually asked “hey how’s it going?” she got more than she bargained for. I laid it all out there and listed all my stressors in dramatic fashion. Being that it was my mom, I fully expected one of her lovely pocket responses: “I’ll pray for you,” “don’t worry,” “you’re special,” “do you need some money?”...something heartwarming yet under-constructive. What she actually said was completely unexpected and exactly what I needed to hear.  She said “Wow, that’s a lot of problems!! Work on one thing at a time.” 

She was right. Too many things, no where to start. I failed my previous challenge of 30/30 but I failed because it wasn’t me. While the list was great and I value all of your input and suggestions, the grand scheme of my life is not a weekend scavenger hunt. My goals should be what I want. I understand that doing things you may not want to do CAN actually lead you to amazing things that you DO want, but I have decided to start smaller for now. Plus, that’s where friends come in: bad decisions, peer pressure, regrets, fun. I am counting on you. 

The revised plan, like me, is more structured and simple. I will focus on 4 core areas: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual improvements. 

1. Physical: Wear jeans and a t-shirt with no reservation
   I am sick of hiding under layers to cover my love handles.
   
2. Mental: Challenge myself mentally
   Maybe a new hobby, a book, a skill, new job, etc. I am actually pretty smart, I just don’t use it.
   
3. Emotional: Have some physical contact with an eligible male
   Anything from a hand hold to a relationship is acceptable. I just need to break the cycle. Celibacy is for the birds. I will feel better with human contact - it’s science.....and it’s been waaaaaay to long.
   
4. Spiritual: Read the Bible - all of it 

As you may notice, these goals overlap in category- that is the point. I am going for an overall well-being.  Spiritual me= strong me=Skinny me=self-confident me=boyfriended me= physical me=happy? We shall see.  

Up next: The Ultimate Accessory - A Man.