Self Check

It was there at the self check stand where I got a reality check. Milk - beep, cereal - beep, onion - 4663, no bag - beep, wine - wait for it, wait for it, ID ready for eager self checkout monitor.....”please place item in bagging area”. Huh? No ID check needed? How nice that it was cleared or the machine is broken. That was convenient. I don’t get carded all the time. No worries. But as I passed with my goodies in hand, there it was...the thing I hate most off all. The most offensive thing a young gal can hear - “ma’am.” Even when snuck between a “thank you” and a “have a nice day” Ma’am carries a certain sting that stops me in my tracks. Surely they cannot be addressing me?! I rear my head around desperately searching for the blue hair with a giant handbag behind me. Nope, I just got “ma’am’d.” 

I aint no ma’am. Call me a bitch, a slut, an idiot, a cunt, a homewrecking whorebag, anything but ma’am! Ma’am is the worst. But then, I started to think about it. Maybe I am a “ma’am.” Lately I find myself wearing slippers, drinking tea and reading the Bible --usually all the same time. It's a weird trifecta of "lame" but I actually enjoy myself. Does this mean I am officially old? Did I mention this takes place in a recliner?? It freaks me out so I have since moved my reading to standing up at my bar - seems more exciting that way. Will I lean? Will I rest one hand on the counter? A double elbow dip? Will the pages stay open without a hand? This is pure excitement folks. Sometimes I throw in some calf raises. Whoa. 

Now I realize that age tends to be a recurring topic here, but I assure you the number has nothing to do with it. It’s all attitude and perception. The good news is as long as I can remember older males have always loved me. I’m talking dad’s, coaches, neighbors, strangers - they all love me. Not in a gross inappropriate way, just in an easy to talk to, respectable, mature kind of way. Maybe I am an old soul. More mature males seem to appreciate my kind, responsible, trustworthy nature. Or maybe I just look old and tired and they feel bad for me?!! 

Example: last week I mentioned that my friend wanted me to get to know her 29 yr old brother. Could this check off Resolution Emotional Goal: physical contact with eligible male?? Maybe!..... eventually, if not Saturday night??? Well, that was the mind set anyway. I did my part. No pony tail, no burping, no silent observation...and I didn’t even mind. So it’s good to know that I have it in me. I feel good about my efforts. 

Result: nothing. Was there any interest from my prospect or any other 30 something guy in the place? No. Did his 50 something dad kiss me on the cheek 3 times? Yes. Old guys love me. 

I can only hope that my real age is catching up with the age of the males who have historically taken to me. I am bridging that gap. Being “lame” aka adult could turn into my best dating asset. Let’s just hope it’s +/- 5 yrs. Sugar daddies need not apply. Check yourself, this ma’am is only 30. 

Miss Direction

At some point or another I think we all feel a little lost. Alive, but not living; working but not productive; moving, but not forward- stuck on the preverbal treadmill of life.  We make strides in the right direction, but the world just seems to keep moving by without us. That completely embodies how I have felt for a long time. Turning 30 was like someone cranked up that treadmill to 10, incline 5 and my shoe was untied...it was only a matter of time before that thing would spit me off the back into an awkward ball of failure and embarrassment. You know we have all seen it in the gym and in life. Truth is, the only way to save your ass is not to keep stumbling through life on a predictable path to nowhere, but to take a step off and move forward. I think I am finally in the right headspace to hop off that rotating belt of recurring nonsense. 

The lack of purpose, the unused abilities, the waste of precious time, the overwhelming feeling that I have the power and the strength to do great things, but no clue what they are has been killing me. I thought I would have it figured out by 30 years old. I feel disappointed. I feel frustrated. I feel jealous. I feel like surely I missed my sign. But this week I read something that made me feel comfort. Jesus, the son of God (yes that Jesus) was not called for his earthly ministry until he was 30 years old. Now, regardless of what any one believes, I think we can all agree that he was a pretty influential guy, if not the most influential. We set our calendar based on his life - he was a pretty big deal Messiah or not. The world's timetable pivots around his existence and he didn't really get going until he was 30. I find it very humbling that greatness, happiness, love, purpose- LIFE can come to actualization at any stage in the game. You just have to be wiling to experience it; all of it, the good and the bad. Life isn’t supposed to be easy, but I believe the right steps can make it easier.

You may burn a lot of calories on that treadmill and interesting people may come and go, but to really get anywhere and join in the fun you gotta step off the predictable comfort you know and take a chance on life. Pick a direction and start moving. If you stray too far someone will reel you in and guide you, but if you sit silently in mundane safety I believe you will go unnoticed. 

So, I am not aiming to get my own chronology of time..... though BC, AD, LC has a nice flow to it.... but I am ready to move forward. Wrong direction or not taking steps is what it’s all about, not feeling like crap and doing nothing because you don’t know which way to go. You can’t steer a parked car.  How can I have faith that I will find my path if I am not willing to venture out and look for it? 

Resolution update - overlapping steps: 

1. Mental - I have been doing projects around the house that require my brain, meeting with a small group to discuss reading material, and playing trivia games (that counts). Also committed to finding a new job that fits my skill and abilities...not just one that I can do but hate. This is a BIG step away from doing something just because it’s easy. 

2. Spiritual - 5% of The Good Book read. 

3. Physical - While I am still not comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, I have worked out 26 days of 2013 and the work outs are getting easier. That is really what it is all about right?-EASIER. Life without heart disease or diabetes is easier. Shopping for clothes without fat rolls would be easier. Getting dressed without adding an extra layer to hide behind in 80 degrees would be easier. Bathing suit tops without flashing would be easier. Pounds will come off, just got to keep it up. I am happy with easier for now. 

4. Emotional: ___________________ (physical contact with an eligible male) Nothing yet. Hoping when it’s easier to put ON skinny jeans it will also be easy for someone to take them OFF ;-) .....just running with the metaphor (or am I???)