Self Check

It was there at the self check stand where I got a reality check. Milk - beep, cereal - beep, onion - 4663, no bag - beep, wine - wait for it, wait for it, ID ready for eager self checkout monitor.....”please place item in bagging area”. Huh? No ID check needed? How nice that it was cleared or the machine is broken. That was convenient. I don’t get carded all the time. No worries. But as I passed with my goodies in hand, there it was...the thing I hate most off all. The most offensive thing a young gal can hear - “ma’am.” Even when snuck between a “thank you” and a “have a nice day” Ma’am carries a certain sting that stops me in my tracks. Surely they cannot be addressing me?! I rear my head around desperately searching for the blue hair with a giant handbag behind me. Nope, I just got “ma’am’d.” 

I aint no ma’am. Call me a bitch, a slut, an idiot, a cunt, a homewrecking whorebag, anything but ma’am! Ma’am is the worst. But then, I started to think about it. Maybe I am a “ma’am.” Lately I find myself wearing slippers, drinking tea and reading the Bible --usually all the same time. It's a weird trifecta of "lame" but I actually enjoy myself. Does this mean I am officially old? Did I mention this takes place in a recliner?? It freaks me out so I have since moved my reading to standing up at my bar - seems more exciting that way. Will I lean? Will I rest one hand on the counter? A double elbow dip? Will the pages stay open without a hand? This is pure excitement folks. Sometimes I throw in some calf raises. Whoa. 

Now I realize that age tends to be a recurring topic here, but I assure you the number has nothing to do with it. It’s all attitude and perception. The good news is as long as I can remember older males have always loved me. I’m talking dad’s, coaches, neighbors, strangers - they all love me. Not in a gross inappropriate way, just in an easy to talk to, respectable, mature kind of way. Maybe I am an old soul. More mature males seem to appreciate my kind, responsible, trustworthy nature. Or maybe I just look old and tired and they feel bad for me?!! 

Example: last week I mentioned that my friend wanted me to get to know her 29 yr old brother. Could this check off Resolution Emotional Goal: physical contact with eligible male?? Maybe!..... eventually, if not Saturday night??? Well, that was the mind set anyway. I did my part. No pony tail, no burping, no silent observation...and I didn’t even mind. So it’s good to know that I have it in me. I feel good about my efforts. 

Result: nothing. Was there any interest from my prospect or any other 30 something guy in the place? No. Did his 50 something dad kiss me on the cheek 3 times? Yes. Old guys love me. 

I can only hope that my real age is catching up with the age of the males who have historically taken to me. I am bridging that gap. Being “lame” aka adult could turn into my best dating asset. Let’s just hope it’s +/- 5 yrs. Sugar daddies need not apply. Check yourself, this ma’am is only 30.